Recently, I accompanied a mate to a psychologist appointment. I’ve been teaching her about some of the strategies I’d found useful and was there just in case she needed help phrasing something.
She was talking about how she’d black out, get really angry and have little knowledge about it later. Something I could obviously identify with.
The psychologist bought up the subject of dissociation. The psych said that my friend was detaching to protect herself, as the word dissociation was causing a bit of confusion.
“Oh, so you mean like detached protector? Like in schema therapy?” I interrupted.
The psychologist looked at me, a bit shocked. I said something to clarify what I was asking and she said “I’m not even needed, you can just ask Jade.”
I smiled, said something and then returned to my role as a support person. It was weird, though. It unintentionally triggered me.
“That’s right. Expect me to know everything and treat me differently once you see how intelligent I am.” That sounds harsh – and it is – but I was pissed. It wasn’t the psychologists fault. I’ve been going through a rough time lately and am constantly angry/triggered.
I think it connected somehow to the reading I’ve been doing on being gifted. Even moreso, people are very quick to congratulate me on my brains and all that I’ve learned in my researching anxiety. None of that research helps with the day to day reality of it though.
It is annoying, to some degree, being looked to as a person to help with issues due to my knowledge of psychology. Heck, even my former psychologist was shocked at how quickly I interpreted schema therapy. He introduced me to the topic and gave me a quiz to do. By the next session, I’d read two books (including the practioners guide) and organized the information according to how it impacted me. I organized it onto a private website and showed him. He was impressed.
So – I’m obviously an incredibly smart cookie. Giftedness just gives me a new framework to work with. Schema was the one I massively worked with before.
I’m doing a lot better now. I’m quite functional if I live a low stress life. If anything, I’m healthier than I’ve ever been. Despite that, I’m still pretty sick.
Once a physiological reaction starts – and it starts in response to any stress – I’m fucking. I can use any of the techniques I’ve learned but the biology is still there. If I’ve been flooded with certain chemicals, my body will react to that. I have to ride it out… with the knowledge that I could have possibly avoided that scenario if I just knew a bit more. If I’d just read another book, learned a new technique, instead of focusing on another interest.
It is very interesting that a simple compliment triggered all of this rage. I am doing so well but I am still so angry.
Fingers crossed I can find a good pysch.
(Note: I’ve changed the details of the situation a bit to protect privacy.)