Last night, I was feeling pretty shit. It’s not uncommon for me to feel like crap, so I thought I’d just ride it out and wait for the meds to properly kick in.
Then it hit me: the meds have kicked in. They’ve worked brilliantly. No more suicidal ideation. No having to spend a weekend distracting myself because I happen to like having feeling in my limbs. I’m staying on top of housework. While I worry a bit, I’m not really having any of the physiological symptoms of anxiety.
This is awesome, and such a relief. The problem is that the anxiety had overpowered everything for so long that I had forgotten I also had depression. I’d forgotten that the symptoms and thought patterns can be different because frankly, mood has always been an afterthought.
Depression explains why some days I have lethargy and some days I’m fine. It explains why I struggle not to cry myself to sleep with guilt (over everything.) It explains why my mind feels fine but my body isn’t complying.
Now, I’m not going to self diagnose. I’ll be talking to my doctor about this, as well as getting a check up to rule out anything else. I know the deal. The pattern seems to fit.
This is kinda good news. By comparison, it is so easy to treat depression with CBT techniques. I can stop the negative thoughts easily. When the anxiety was taking over, I had limited cognitive function which made it more difficult to do any CBT. I was focused on reducing the physical symptoms and was doing a fantastic job at doing this, but it was at the expense of everything else.
I’m not as impacted physically, and I have more brainpower. CBT is so easy in comparison now with all the skills I’ve built up.
This isn’t meant to be bragging. I know that any depressive symptoms are mild and that people will full blown depression can have a similar quality to life to what I had before I started on these meds. This is more of a realization, one that I can use when my brain is beating myself up for the lack of progress over the last month.
I’ll talk to my doctor about medication but be cautious about trying anything. At most, maybe increase the dosage of Pristiq. Too many meds can make it hard to know what is doing what. I’d rather be calm and depressed then full blown anxious.
It’s a busy week ahead. A number of mental health appointments. I feel guilty about bitching about them, and being overwhelmed by them, especially when people do demanding 40 hour weeks. One of my struggles is that it forces me to face shit that I’ve been avoiding facing. I have to deal with some massive fears and insecurities. The psych is only every 2-3 weeks and will probably be reduced, but I do a lot of mental work in between sessions. Very little is put on here because it is me working through stuff while on public transport or doing dishes. It’s reading self care posts that trigger me because the exhausted me doesn’t match up with the stuff my brain is doing. The transition is quite triggery, and I don’t have the time to deal with it. The exemption was only for 2-3 months. Anyway, I have stuff to knock off my to-do list